Unsustainable coexistence, different priorities, interests and goals are some of the reasons why couples who have been in a relationship for a long time usually break up and that makes us think: What do those who have been together for so long and do not get tired of doing? Do not worry! The answer is not impossible or something from the other world, it is within everyone’s reach: it is simply a matter of adjusting the priorities of both parties so that everything flows, seeking the same objectives within the relationship.
In this sense, the expert psychologist in couples therapy and sexuality, Lara Ferreiro , gives us 15 tips so that relationships, in this case love, last longer.
But, in addition, they are nothing more than the 15 best kept secrets of couples who have been together for many years.
1. Choosing the person for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.
There is a study that says that there are people who are together or get married because of social pressure , physical or because they don’t want to be alone, but not because they really like that person.
Lara Ferreiro suggests that for a relationship to be lasting, you have to focus on being on a desert island: “ If you didn’t have your friends and family on that desert island, if not just your partner, would you go with him to that desert island? during years? If the answer is negative, surely you should not be with that person and it means that you do not like him, but rather what he represents, his status, his physical appearance (something that goes away over the years)… ”.
2. Do not idealize the expectations of love
The psychologist assures that idealized romantic expectations do not work , but that there must be real aspects.
In addition, he says that decisions cannot be made in phase 1 of falling in love but after a while because when everything is carried out in the idealization phase, one is in a cloud of happiness and this bubble can burst after a few months or years.
3. Have respect and nothing toxic
If there is no respect, communication fails , there is disgust, anger and even infidelity. They both have to feel free.
4. Have communication
“It is essential that there are requests, knowing how to ask for what is needed, saying whether or not you are happy … Beliefs that we feel bad and expect our partner to guess and give us what we need do not work. Nobody reads minds, so if you want a hug, you should ask for it,” says Ferreiro.
5. Individual happiness
You have to be happy for yourself , even if you have a partner and family, the happiness of oneself is paramount.
6. Individual space
The expert differentiates three spaces: our space, her space and my space .
“To spend the rest of our lives with someone, we must respect individual spaces both inside and outside the home. We have to carry out our ‘hobbies’, see friends, travel… ”, she assures.
7. Be flexible
Flexibility is fundamental because if one becomes very rigid with the defects of the other, there will be no adaptability .
8. Know how to choose the battles
There are two types of pairs: allies and enemies . The allies discuss in a healthy way and reach agreements and negotiations, while the enemies fight over nonsense and at all hours.
9. Control emotional traffic lights
As with a normal traffic light, there is green, orange and red . Green is that we are happy, orange is that we start to get upset and red is that we explode.
The key is to feel orange and know how to tie the discussion . “Sometimes it’s just a matter of letting the hours go by,” says the specialist in psychology.
10. Know how to forgive
People who have grudges will make coexistence impossible , and you have to know how to forgive small things through a dialogue between both.
11. Identify the languages of love
Learn the language of the other and that our partner knows ours. These are the languages of love: touch, words, quality time, gifts, and acts of service .
12. No to the horsemen of the apocalypse of love
There are four: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and avoidance . Bringing them up can put the relationship in jeopardy.
13. Cultivate sex
As Lara Ferreiro advises , you have to do the “red hours” a minimum of two hours a week .
14. Flexible rules
Homework should be 50% and 50% . One takes out the garbage, another cleans the bathroom…
15. Quality time
Fundamental. You have to have leisure time outside the house to connect , like going out for a drink, going to the theater, taking trips…
Nobody said it would be easy, but it is possible to have a healthy and lasting relationship. Try applying these tips with your partner and find out.
Source: ABC
